Perspective Matters, Right Bro?

I recently had a conversation with my brother.  He was saying that adults need to have children in order to develop.  That through parenting we learn things that we cannot otherwise learn, including how to prioritize and care for others.  And I can see what he is saying.

But this didn’t fully resonate with me so I shared my own experience of learning to prioritize and care for others in our home growing up.  As the oldest girl, that was my main education.  In fact I learned that so well that I didn’t really know how to take care of myself.  Getting married and having children, for me, simply meant that I would continue doing what I had already learned; prioritizing others and self sacrificing.  What I actually needed for my development was a few years on my own.  I needed to learn how  to take care of myself, to know what I want, and make sure my own needs are prioritized as well.  That didn’t happen because I married young and had children right away.  So now, I find myself in my 50s just now learning how to prioritize my own care.  

My brother’s opinion about this is patriarchal because it acknowledges and prioritizes the male perspective.  Boys and girls are socialized differently. Girls and women are taught  to prioritize other’s needs over their own, to be emotionally aware, and collaborative.  We manipulate girls with words like “selfish” and we praise women with words like “selfless”.  My brother had a completely different upbringing than I did.   His education and development was served by marriage and children because he learned something valuable and balancing from becoming a parent.  Because I didn’t need that same lesson, my valuable and balancing education came after decades of exhaustion and then finally learning something I didn’t know I needed, how to take care of myself.  

For generations, Christian and other church leaders have taught young adults to get married and have children.  This directive may well serve their male population; ideally creating responsible, caring adults out of more self serving young men.   But this path may be less advantageous for most women.  Until we learn to socialize boys and girls in the same way, young women will have some missing education in self care, knowing what they want, and being able to advocate for themselves.  Being single seems a more conducive avenue to learn these lessons for young women.  Church leaders, who are nearly all male, automatically prioritize the needs and development of men.  Then they give the same advice and direction to all church membership, which mainly  serves men.  

I think this is a great example of how our variety of  life experiences will require different environments for healing, education, and ongoing development.  Because our society prioritizes male experiences and perspectives, my brother believed that I would learn the same things from parenting that he learned, even though what I needed to learn was the exact opposite.  Having a one size fits all plan for people, only works for those making that plan.  That is why it is so essential to have leadership representation of women, LGBTQ, BIPOC, and other diverse populations in churches, government, and all systems where decisions are being made.