“Whose Job is it Anyway?

I recently had a dream that I went to a church youth activity, my friend and I had just arrived. The male leaders offered us a drink from the fridge; when we declined, they seemed disappointed. We went to the gathering room and my friend was telling me about a church assignment that was difficult, and I was empathizing with her. One of the men overheard us talking and started to say that my friend should feel grateful or happy to serve. I went over to him and said: “please don’t tell us how we should feel, we already know how we feel”. He was silent in reply. When we went downstairs for the activity, I was feeling confident and cheerful, and then I woke up.

As I thought about that dream, I was almost afraid of those not real men in my dream and what they would think about my behavior.  Even though it was only a dream, I was afraid that they would see me as a problem, or ask: why did she come?  I thought about how, for most of my life, I acted in a compliant way so as not to be seen as a problem. And even though there should be nothing more natural than choosing what I want or asking for someone to respect our experience, I felt uncomfortable with my dream self who did those things.

Sometimes I feel frustrated with men who are so afraid of social rejection that they won’t protect women against micro aggressions, lewd comments or even assault.  But after my dream I remembered how much I used to do the same thing.  And I probably still rely on compliance and obedience to masculine standards to keep myself safe.

A few years ago, my daughter set a different example for me. She was at a combined youth activity (a real one, not just a dream) with all the young women and young men and their leaders. One of the bishop’s counselors said (hopefully joking) “the young women can serve dessert to the young men”.  With no hesitation, my teenage daughter said, “that’s sexist”! I don’t know if anyone else would have said anything including any of the male or female leaders in the room.  However, some of the female leaders and a few male leaders confronted this bishop’s counselor and let him know that was not ok.

For sure this man didn’t suddenly become a feminist fighting for equality. But the other adults did something, they exercised influence that a single young woman didn’t have. I think that is what women crave; men who will DO something, not just agree to our faces when we are alone. We are looking for men who will stand up to other men to say that’s not ok to treat women with disrespect, disregard, or abusive behavior.  There are ample opportunities every single day. 

For example:

Where was the masculine outcry when a presidential candidate talked about grabbing a woman’s p****, yet was still voted in as president?

What about a Supreme Court justice candidate who has a history of sexist conduct yet still gets approval for the Supreme Court?

Or a young man guilty of sexual assault, and yet the court is more concerned about his future than the young woman who was assaulted?

Or when a clergyman who finds out about child abuse or spousal abuse but never reports to authorities because he wants to help “save” the abuser?

Or when a man says something sexist or lewd to a woman in front of other men who do nothing, or worse, join in?

Or when women share their experience of feeling overwhelmed, scared, or being treated like an object; and men rush in to either personally attack that woman or defend the offending man?

 One thing I’m pretty sure of; this is a job for men. Men wield most of the political, economic, and social power in the United States. It is their responsibility to clean up the sexism, aggression, and abuse in our current society. Men have an opportunity which could impact our world in the greatest imaginable way. The question is: will they do it?